How to explain to others a pain so deep.... that there are no words? A pain that carries with it a loss so profound that no explanation of the loss is able to communicate on any level what is missed. A lump in the throat. A place that is not filled. A heart broken place. Absence. Yet absence permitted. Purposed. Ultimately.... for my good.
As C.S. Lewis said in A Grief Observed...
"Nobody ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid but the sensation is like being afraid."
"People get over these things. Come, I shan't do so badly.
One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems for a little to be making out a good case.
Then comes a sudden jab of red hot memory and all this 'commonsense' vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace."
"On the rebound one passes into tears and pathos. Maudlin tears. I almost prefer the moments of agony. These are at least clean and honest. But the bath of self-pity, the wallow, the loathsome sticky-sweet pleasure of indulging in it- that disgusts me."
Oct 17, 2008
C. S. Lewis...Minister to My Heart
Oct 16, 2008
I woke up this morning to find that there was no more coffee in the house :(
My hubby went all the way to the gas station to get me a fresh brewed cup. He got me a large....so it lasted all day. That really spoke kind and warm fuzzies to my heart.
And he got a bit excited when McCain got a bit firmer in tone last night during the debate.
I've got the perfect man for me.
Matzo Ball Soup
The celery in my fridge was getting a bit soft....so I pulled it out at snack time.
Then instead of tossing out the leftover leaves and stuff....I threw them in a pot.....added carrots and onions....
....potatoes....
....chicken broth (3 boxes & 1 can) (plus a rotisserie) ....
....and matzo balls (2 jars.)
I made a huge pot because we love soup leftovers around here. Got at least 18 meals out of the batch.....and it cost approx. $25 to make. That's $1.38/meal.
Oct 15, 2008
Jazz
Lessons have begun! The girls worked on theory, rhythm/drums, the recorder and voice. We are thrilled with this ensemble. They got much out of their first meeting and it's exciting to think about what's to come. 
Oct 14, 2008
Brad's parents divorced when he was 11. His Auntie Judy played a large role in his upbringing. Judy's son, Joshua came for a visit with his girlfriend, Nicki.
Josh was 13 when he came from Chicago to L.A. to stay w/ Bradley and I for a few weeks over the summer. Before we were married....when we were living together. We were artsy fartsy wanna be hippie vegans and I guess we made some sort of impression....because he says we were an influence on him. OHHHHHH NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
He's really sweet and is an editor in L.A. He and Bria had much to discuss.
Nicki is a collage artist and we had fun throwing around marketing ideas.
We haven't seen each other since Grandma Reva's funeral and that is waaaaaaaaay tooooooo long.
Oct 13, 2008
My Heavy Hearted Day
"Moses went out unto his brethren, and looked on their burdens." Exodus 2:11
Moses saw the oppression of his people and felt certain that he was the one to deliver them, and in the righteous indignation of his own spirit he started to right their wrongs. After the first strike for God and for the right, God allowed Moses to be driven into blank discouragement, He sent him into the desert to feed sheep for forty years. At the end of that time, God appeared and told Moses to go and bring forth His people, and Moses said - "Who am I, that I should go?" In the beginning Moses realized that he was the man to deliver the people, but he had to be trained and disciplined by God first. He was right in the individual aspect, but he was not the man for the work until he had learned communion with God.
We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing, then comes something equivalent to the forty years in the wilderness, as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged God comes back and revives the call, and we get the quaver in and say - "Oh, who am I?" We have to learn the first great stride of God - "I AM THAT I AM hath sent thee." We have to learn that our individual effort for God is an impertinence; our individuality is to be rendered incandescent by a personal relationship to God (see Matthew 3:17). We fix on the individual aspect of things; we have the vision - "This is what God wants me to do;" but we have not got into God's stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a big personal enlargement ahead.
Ozzie
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My husband encouraged me gently and tenderly today.....through my lonely time and place of solitude. After an emotional breakdown...which I trust the Lord enough to have authentically and transparently (translation: full blown MELT-DOWN).....I am refreshed and renewed...and move forward in new found hope and trust.
Daniel 2:20
"Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
wisdom and power are his.
21 He changes times and seasons;
he sets up kings and deposes them.
He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.
22 He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him.
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Oct 12, 2008
Oct 10, 2008
Happy 11th, Jemima!
I'm convinced we are a nocturnal clan.
She got to open her first gift at midnight. We were awake (except for Galilee who was snoozin'....must be a growth spurt)....so why not celebrate?
Oct 9, 2008
Preparing For The Hunt
We are studying Lord of The Flies right now. Like Jack, Mcabe is a hunter. But he's not a power hungry control freak and it's not a wild pig he's after...it's a deer.
Like Ralph....he's got a heart, is other centered, and a deep thinker. Like Piggy...he's pragmatic and sensitive.
Oct 8, 2008
What was going through her mind...I wonder.... as the problem of Putin was addressed last night...with mention of the evil empire...Russia this and Russia that.... and the KGB connection?
We had eye contact. No words. She was processing. I could tell.
Last week a friend of hers...a sweet boy ...asked if she and Jemima were birth sisters. (He's known the girls for years....and I think it's quite adorable that the question just now came to him.)
"We're sisters," answered Galilee..."but not biological sisters." "Oh," said the boy.
Then, Galilee offered, "Russia is in a war with some country right now. They attacked it."
"I know," said the boy. "I'm so happy you're home."
"Me too. Tell me about it," said Galilee. "No kidding."
We have not talked about Russia going into Georgia around the dinner table....but we do watch Fox News. Obviously, she's paying attention and processing.
We have the life long pleasure of honoring the countries of our daughters' births....while thanking the Lord that they are now home....and Americans.
Nana and Papa came over in their pj's to eat dinner and watch the Presidential Debate. Little did Nana know that she would have a spin in the chair and leave with a new hair style.
