Let Them See You Cry

I am not in sin for feeling pain. For crying. For sobbing into my pillow when the words won't come. I am not in sin for feeling angry enough to kill..... or for feeling too numb to even care. I am not in sin for worrying or for fearing or for wanting to take things into my own hands. I'm not in sin for wishing things were different. For begging the Lord to move now...whether He wants to or not!

I am human in these moments. I am a human child. His human child. He knows me better than I know myself so to deny any of these things...to pretend I am full of joy when life is killing me...it's just so not true and so not authentic...and frankly...quite pathetic. He would see right through me and so would everyone else. So, when circumstances slay me...I cry. I cry because I am in pain. I cry because I cannot prevent pain. I cry because it hurts to live in this world with so much pain. There are even times when I yell. And sometimes, I even kick, scream and carry on.

I cry for a time. I cry with the knowledge that He is patient and sympathetic to my tears. I cry knowing I cannot trust in my emotions or be paralyzed by them. I cry knowing that ultimately joy IS present and a peace that surpasses all understanding too. The realization of it will come to the forefront and make a home in my broken heart. I cry knowing that it's safe to do so in the loving arms of an understanding Father who wants me to trust Him enough to do so. And I cry knowing full well that He cries with me. I cry knowing that we have the sort of relationship that is not damaged by truth but one that thrives only in that truth. I cry knowing He will allow it only for a time...and then...after getting my tender hug and kiss on the forehead...I am given a gentle nudge and I am expected to go forward in the knowledge of what He has shown me. If I get stuck...and I do not move on or if I act on what I am feeling...I am in sin. And then, I get a spank.