Mar 10, 2013

Late Night Ramblings

I might have already blogged about some of this stuff...but I don't go back and re-read my posts...so I don't really know.   Even if I have....obviously it's a new day...which hopefully brings new insights.  

It's been known to my family and close friends that I was feeling restless and itchy for quite a while......as if I were being prepared for something.

Then the move to LA occurred.

Since then...it's coming up on 2 years (which I can hardly get my head around)...I've been going through something...processing through something.

It's come to the forefront of my consciousness that..... during this season.....in which I've run the gamut of emotions....that I've been mostly surviving.  Merely surviving.

I've gone from feeling shell shocked...to trusting totally...to being fearful & stuck...to being brave...to being exhilarated...to being tossed to & fro.... to feeling lonely...to being hopeful...and then back to stuck....sometimes all in the same week.  

There have been lots of high points during this time...but for the most part...in general...I have been navigating life in a fog.  

I've been functioning while in a depressed state.  A subtle one.  But one nevertheless.

LA brings up much for me.  Even things I wasn't anticipating.  

I've known this city since the age of 10.  I've enjoyed it...despised it and been apathetic towards it.  Not it...cuz I'm not sure you can attach those emotions to a place...but they can definitely be attached to what LA represents during various times in my history.   

Never have I loved it.

Until now.

I really really think I love this city.  It's just a city.  A place.  Why do I have this affection?  Can I attach such feelings to a place?  Maybe it's what LA represents right now that I am in love with?

I think that's it.

It represents faith.

And trust.

And hope.

And abandon.

And redemption.

And obedience.

And growth.

And abiding.

What is the Lord up to?

He will make a way...I know...but which way?

This way?

That way?

The good news is the Lord has never left my side and that He has brought me out of the fog.

He's been tenderly & persistently moving me forward...I know...but now I actually detect the movement.

On a completely other note....

The older I get...the more clarity I have.  Clarity about what I like and what I don't like.

One of the first things on my TO DO LIST is to clean out my closet.  I have lots of cool things hanging in there...but I need to streamline.

I want my wardrobe to represent who I am.

This is what I am drawn to...and what I am going for...

I'm not even sure why I am blogging all this.  Maybe it's because I want to express the idea that when the Lord shakes things up in our lives...or when He slows them down...it might have something to do with Him showing us who we really are.  Who He created us to be.

And when our identities are found in HIM and HIM alone we are truly free to be who we are because He gives us the desires of our hearts.  He actually puts them in  their.


.....it's late and I feel if I continue....I'm gonna start rambling...

One more thing...

....the safest place to be is to be within the will of God.


Bruce said...

Way cool

Ms. Adams said...

I just want to hug you now. You GET it! Change is so hard and weird...but it is all good eventually.
Maybe you now understand my heart?

familygregg said...

The state of your heart .....never misunderstood.

Ms. Adams said...

My heart was wounded and scared and lonely. My choice at that time was to escape. Yes, you did misunderstand. It was something needed. It was a time of grieving that I never afforded myself. I always had to "survive" and simply did not want to fight anymore. So...I mourned it all selfishly and within myself because I was lost. It was something needed to gain strength and move on. Just a time of "everyone go away and let me regroup." I am very sorry you had to navigate that foreign time. Truly, I hardly remember it. I was driving in circles looking for my way home.
I know I hurt you and I am so sorry. I want nothing from you at all and I accept the journey. It is what it is. I just want to apologize.

Ms. Adams said...

Oops re my heart..left out angry!

familygregg said...

Not misunderstood. All is forgiven. Please do not bring drama here. It is not the forum. My # is the same.

Ms. Adams said...

No worries. I won't. Not sure if I will ever call, but thanks.

Ms. Adams said...

I dont even have your number nor even remeber it

Ms. Adams said...

You can contact me via my pvlearners email if you choose. No more home internet for many years. Sorry.

Ms. Adams said...

Same email too? I will send my number. That I have in the Bible you gave as a gift many years ago.

familygregg said...

Debbie...please stop posting here.