Jan 3, 2016


Here's what I have been struggling with lately.


We should have...and then we could have.... and after that we most likely would have.....

When we bought our first house...a 1928 fixer upper on the outskirts of Hancock Park...more like on the edge of Korea Town....we paid $305 K for it.   We poured our heart and souls into that mission style two story at Olympic & Lucerne.  Painted the entire  outside and the entire inside without professional help.  Hung wall paper.  Planted ground cover and cacti.  Put up a fence with trailing morning glories.   It was our little oasis in the city.

Well...long story short...the LA riots and the 1994 earthquake happened.  Our home went down in value.  Way down.

Our marriage was in trouble around this time.  Relationships were idols and were being stripped away. Careers were idols and were being stripped away. 

We decided to leave L.A. and move to Scottsdale, Arizona.

I am grateful for our time in AZ.  I am grateful that we had the privilege of raising our children in such a beautiful environment.  Having the Sonoran Desert as a backyard playground is not something to take for granted.  Their childhood memories will be touched by enchantment, I am quite sure.

The thing I cherish most about the Lord's sovereignty in having us live in AZ...is the fact that we met people who we never would have had we not lived there.  We lived life amongst cherished loved ones. 

This is what I am struggling with however...

Some of the people we were in community with gave us advice over the years which I now realize came from a fear based place.

It all seemed to make sense at the time.  And maybe it even did...partially.  In the flesh especially.   

There is no denying that some of the huge life decisions made by us had their roots sown in fear.

As soon as that became clear....it was easy for me to break out of that mindset and make adjustments.

Hence our move back to L.A.

It is a move which was based in obedience.  Our living here is an act of obedience. 

As the new year is ushered in...I am owning my struggle.  Was the time in AZ supposed to happen?  Was it correct?  The church we were so deeply involved in is not a place we would ever attend today.  Relationships which we thought were the forever sort  have dissipated like vapor.  The house in the desert...the one we loved a lot for so long has been sold and strangers are living in it.

Our one time little oasis at Olympic & Lucerne has gone up in value.  Way up.  It is now worth 1.2 million.  We couldn't buy it if we wanted to.

Instead, we are living in a 1,100 square ft. rental. (It's quaint & adorable.  I am not complaining.)

Is this how it was supposed to go or is the Lord turning our fear based choices into something good because we love Him?

I don't know.

I haven't a clue.

The enemy is able to have a field day with this if I allow him to.

Instead...I confess this sin  of  regret to you.

Regret in this case has it's angry teeth  gnawing via a serving of  distrust. The sin of Distrust.  I am struggling to trust the ONE who is trustworthy.

And that brings me to pride.  The sin of pride I am struggling with the temptation to think I know better.   Better than the ONE who knows all.  

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.  James 5:16

Here is my unsolicited advice to you.

Seek out people who will push you into hard places.  Seek out people who will not give one ounce of consideration to tickling your ears.  Seek out people who are living fearlessly for the Lord.  Consider the choices before you and DO NOT allow fear to interfere with HIS instructions to you.

Excited for all the Lord does in 2016. 


Ashasnana said...

Your honesty is so beautiful, Dawn. Welcome to the "regret, distrust, pride" club that can eat into a heart and shred it unmercifully into doubt and bitterness. (Personal experience noted.) In "Calm my Anxious Heart," a book on contentment by Linda Dillow, she tells of a missionary lady who had spent decades among pigmy tribes and early on decided on five principles that would shape her attitude and her spiritual life. One was "Never wish this or that had been otherwise." Just went through that book for the fifth time in ten years because I process slowly; but I have found this to be a truth that helps me. He always brings it all around to His grace and glory. Ps 107

Although I would, humanly speaking, change SO many things about the past I know it has all taught me about God in ways I would not have been open to otherwise now. And, you nailed it with your statement about trusting the only one who is trustworthy, our Shepherd, whose voice is promised to us, His sheep ...which is so often so much harder than trusting human voices.

Learning through pain that God is WAY bigger and kinder and more patient than I ever knew. Praise be to God!