Little Desire That Could

You know how we all have this undiscovered piece of us deep down inside. This place where something private lives?

We all have at least one of these...I'm sure.

It's the set aside spot reserved for something unrealized. A desire. A potential. A dream.

Something that remains unexposed maybe due to insecurity or fear...maybe due to being smothered by life's circumstances or quieted by time. Hushed. Lulled to sleep.

While traveling through an extended period of deep reflection with Bradley about our future...trying to discern best what the Lord would have us be doing w/whatever time we have left on this fast rotating sphere and how best to set the kids onto the trajectories they are supposed to be on...it got me to thinking...which got me to a place of articulation.

As fumbling as this attempt might be...here goes.

I've always had a secret desire to act. To be an actress. In front of a camera...acting. When I was young...it seemed somewhat impossible. When I got a bit older...it seemed like it was something that might actually happen for a moment and then...fleetingly....it slipped away again. Not the deep down desire. That did not go away. But the possibility of it being played out in time and space did.

Even so...I find ways of nurturing that Little Desire That Could.

I remember things I learned during my many years on sets & back lots. I recall the two television seasons I spent as a teen-ager working in a casting director's office on the Universal lot...reading others who were auditioning for sit coms. I think back to my private lessons with Nina Foch in her Beverly Hills French maison and how she taught me to do the exact opposite of what I was doing with my vocal inflections. I recall what Lilian Chauvin whispered to me about character in her thick intense accent while studying in the sun room of her eclectic Beachwood Canyon bungalow. I recall as if it were yesterday... the USC scene study and improv classes I never once dreaded attending. A meeting with the casting director... and then a callback... and then a one on one with the director of Less Than Zero. I remember crying during the audition because that was what was called for...except I was really crying....because somehow....I had lost my fear and didn't care whether or not I got the job...but it all made sense. The story...the dialogue...the character. I got it. It was a breakthru moment for me...as an actress. There were a few breakthru moments. I never shared them with anyone...for they were private. I'm the only one who ever knew I had them.

All this to say.... they weren't for not. They weren't wasted experiences. I bring these and other experiences with me to this day.

For instance, I tend to dramatize when I teach Literature in our co-op . Most of my students would most likely say that they have seen glimpses of my "dramatic side" when discussing The Princess and The Pea, Mr. Popper's Penguins, Lord of The Flies, Les Miserables, or A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.

And, my kids...well, they get me just as I am all day long everyday. So...I'm pretty sure each one has.... to some degree...picked up on my love of character, story and acting by osmosis. Watching a film around here is never quite as simple as that.

Life happened all those years ago and things went in a different direction. I married an actor...very passionate about acting. My focus shifted to story telling. Similar thing...different avenue. Still very motivated by story...by character. Also...Photography found me. Again, similar thing....different avenue.

Rambling....I know....stay with me.

I have no idea if I will ever have the opportunity to act anywhere other than in my very own kitchen....but I do know that the little spot inside me has never faded. I also know that I was/am called to nurture and support a very similar albeit stronger (furious/burning) spot in my husband and to pass down passion to our children by example. I am to encourage those who have little spots of their own.

And, I am convinced that if all we ever get to do is pass on the love of a certain something which is lovely to another...well then, that's a worthy thing.

Believers...glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

He created you and He created me w/certain gifts, talents, and abilities. He is a good God. He instructs us to obey. So stay close to Him and do whatever it is that He is telling you to do. Do it when He's telling you to do it and in the manner He is telling you to do so.


Are you brave enough to speak about your secret spot out loud? You do know that the Lord already knows it's there, right? He knows all about it.